It’s such an extremely frustrating rollercoaster battle of never knowing what i really think or how I really feel. I can’t trust what is optimism, pessimism or real. The sky can change how I feel. So I deal.
Monthly Archives: November 2015
My latest episode has taught me some new things but mostly re-affirmed old things.
I talk about the importance of knowing oneself but for me the hard part seems to be acceptance. Despite history and Professional advice I have found it hard to accept there are things I just can’t do.
Once again, unfortunately, as the season approached and my states started amping up I made the wrong choice of trying to fight IT. IT wasn’t going to win this time. I tried: learning more; getting more involved; donating money and time; helping others; media and more socializing. Anything to distract my mind.
The harder I tried the worse IT got because I was focusing on everything about my illness not wellness. I was doing exactly what I shouldn’t have been doing at the time for ME.
Once IT got away from me I was no longer aware of the intensity and I was doing just fine – and then…
I thank my family, friends and Professionals in my life for their help and support. They reminded me these very important lessons: know myself; accept there are things I just can’t do; be vigilante with wellness.
I will see my Doctor
I will ask for help
I have tried all of my tools
I have tried new tools
I have tried to be positive
I have tried to be creative
I have tried self medication
I have tried nutrition
I have lost so much
I don’t wish to lose anything more
I am exhausted and have exhausted my supply
So for me to have a tomorrow
and keep having a tomorrow
Tomorrow I will ask for help
Today the reality of my illness weighs heavy again.
What am I doing?
What have I done?
Why am I here?
Why won’t IT stop?
Today is not much different from most days. It is just that Today it will take all day to prepare for tomorrow because my mania burned up all of my reserves.
And it takes an awful lot of energy for me to leave this house.
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Writing is something I do most days, except when I am in an extreme state. Usually I do not have a theme just thoughts, feelings, songs, poems, rants, raves, and observations – lots of them.
Today I have a theme, it came easily. Starting off at the new firstname.lastname@example.org symbolizes where everything starts…with HOPE.
My hope is to be understood. Understanding reduces FEAR – my greatest enemy. HOPE is the only thing stronger than fear. Understanding reduces stigma. It is hard enough battling myself all day let alone the rest of the world.
Today I am inspired by a former adversary who did not understand or believe in Mental Illness until his life was directly affected by it ( Some One You Know Or You ). Now he believes. Today we are friends who share much and grow together.
Hope to me means goals and goals mean ” I am going to try”.
I hope you share your hopes. By sharing maybe you will help others recognize that they have hope.
From this we grow…