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My best day

On my best day I wouldn’t be blogging. I wouldn’t be thinking about my illness. I would be enjoying myself and enjoying life.
On my best day I wouldn’t be: scanning every thought and sensation over and over all day; evaluating and re-evaluating every aspect and moment of my life; searching for something more to feel bad about not always knowing what is memory, delusion, perception or just a dream.
On my best day I would get rid of all my containers full of loose pages upon pages, notepads and journals full of discoveries, rhymes, epiphanies, plans and regrets ( mostly nonsense except at the time ).
On my best day I would not have a FREEDOM tattoo, meaning freedom from fear.
SOYKOY.com did not start as a blog. Two years ago my intention was to create a site to connect people to sites, professionals and community groups because, as I recall, I felt there was little support in the Niagara area. I am not certain what was available because I was also trying to start a local branch of mental health group not fully understanding that I had been receiving treatment from a very supportive CMHA Niagara for two years – if you follow me.
Last year I went back to Brock University to share my wealth of knowledge and ideas for research ( caught myself and got out ).
This fall was SOYKOY revised because I needed to reach out and share and support everyone ( missed this one ). The catch-22 is the more I care the more I get involved and the worse my condition gets – with anything. The worse my condition gets so goes my behavior and I lose my credibility.
I will leave this to those who do it well like CMHA Niagara and follow my doctor’s advice to stay quiet and not get too involved or I am going to say and do too much and end up feeling bad ( too late ).
In retrospect, having a new realization this year of how much of my life was shaped by me and my reactions rather than others and events, I missed the impact this would have and the impending roller coaster ride. I guess this was something I had to go through to move forward. So I will keep this a while as a reminder to me.

Aftermath

It’s such an extremely frustrating rollercoaster battle of never knowing what i really think or how I really feel. I can’t trust what is optimism, pessimism or real. The sky can change how I feel. So I deal.

Lessons and Wellness

My latest episode has taught me some new things but mostly re-affirmed old things.

I talk about the importance of knowing oneself but for me the hard part seems to be acceptance. Despite history and Professional advice I have found it hard to accept there are things I just can’t do.

Once again, unfortunately, as the season approached and my states started amping up I made the wrong choice of trying to fight IT. IT wasn’t going to win this time. I tried: learning more; getting more involved; donating money and time; helping others; media and more socializing. Anything to distract my mind.

The harder I tried the worse IT got because I was focusing on everything about my illness not wellness. I was doing exactly what I shouldn’t have been doing at the time for ME.

Once IT got away from me I was no longer aware of the intensity and I was doing just fine – and then…

I thank my family, friends and Professionals in my life for their help and support. They reminded me these very important lessons: know myself; accept there are things I just can’t do; be vigilante with wellness.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow
I will see my Doctor
I will ask for help
I have tried all of my tools
I have tried new tools
I have tried to be positive
I have tried to be creative
I have tried self medication
I have tried nutrition
I have lost so much
I don’t wish to lose anything more
I am exhausted and have exhausted my supply
So for me to have a tomorrow
and keep having a tomorrow
Tomorrow I will ask for help

Today

Today the reality of my illness weighs heavy again.
What am I doing?
What have I done?
Why am I here?
Why won’t IT stop?
Today is not much different from most days. It is just that Today it will take all day to prepare for tomorrow because my mania burned up all of my reserves.
And it takes an awful lot of energy for me to leave this house.

FLASH MOB

Care to dance your fears away? Check out FLASH MOB at cmhaniagara.com and join in the fun!

Hope

Greetings,

Writing is something I do most days, except when I am in an extreme state. Usually I do not have a theme just thoughts, feelings, songs, poems, rants, raves, and observations – lots of them.

Today I have a theme, it came easily. Starting off at the new blog@cmhaniagara.ca symbolizes where everything starts…with HOPE.

My hope is to be understood. Understanding reduces FEAR – my greatest enemy. HOPE is the only thing stronger than fear. Understanding reduces stigma. It is hard enough battling myself all day let alone the rest of the world.

Today I am inspired by a former adversary who did not understand or believe in Mental Illness until his life was directly affected by it ( Some One You Know Or You ). Now he believes. Today we are friends who share much and  grow together.

Hope to me means goals and goals mean ” I am going to try”.

I hope you share your hopes. By sharing maybe you will help others recognize that they have hope.

From this we grow…