Monthly Archives: December 2015

My best day

On my best day I wouldn’t be blogging. I wouldn’t be thinking about my illness. I would be enjoying myself and enjoying life.
On my best day I wouldn’t be: scanning every thought and sensation over and over all day; evaluating and re-evaluating every aspect and moment of my life; searching for something more to feel bad about not always knowing what is memory, delusion, perception or just a dream.
On my best day I would get rid of all my containers full of loose pages upon pages, notepads and journals full of discoveries, rhymes, epiphanies, plans and regrets ( mostly nonsense except at the time ).
On my best day I would not have a FREEDOM tattoo, meaning freedom from fear. did not start as a blog. Two years ago my intention was to create a site to connect people to sites, professionals and community groups because, as I recall, I felt there was little support in the Niagara area. I am not certain what was available because I was also trying to start a local branch of mental health group not fully understanding that I had been receiving treatment from a very supportive CMHA Niagara for two years – if you follow me.
Last year I went back to Brock University to share my wealth of knowledge and ideas for research ( caught myself and got out ).
This fall was SOYKOY revised because I needed to reach out and share and support everyone ( missed this one ). The catch-22 is the more I care the more I get involved and the worse my condition gets – with anything. The worse my condition gets so goes my behavior and I lose my credibility.
I will leave this to those who do it well like CMHA Niagara and follow my doctor’s advice to stay quiet and not get too involved or I am going to say and do too much and end up feeling bad ( too late ).
In retrospect, having a new realization this year of how much of my life was shaped by me and my reactions rather than others and events, I missed the impact this would have and the impending roller coaster ride. I guess this was something I had to go through to move forward. So I will keep this a while as a reminder to me.