My best day

On my best day I wouldn’t be blogging. I wouldn’t be thinking about my illness. I would be enjoying myself and enjoying life.
On my best day I wouldn’t be: scanning every thought and sensation over and over all day; evaluating and re-evaluating every aspect and moment of my life; searching for something more to feel bad about not always knowing what is memory, delusion, perception or just a dream.
On my best day I would get rid of all my containers full of loose pages upon pages, notepads and journals full of discoveries, rhymes, epiphanies, plans and regrets ( mostly nonsense except at the time ).
On my best day I would not have a FREEDOM tattoo, meaning freedom from fear.
SOYKOY.com did not start as a blog. Two years ago my intention was to create a site to connect people to sites, professionals and community groups because, as I recall, I felt there was little support in the Niagara area. I am not certain what was available because I was also trying to start a local branch of mental health group not fully understanding that I had been receiving treatment from a very supportive CMHA Niagara for two years – if you follow me.
Last year I went back to Brock University to share my wealth of knowledge and ideas for research ( caught myself and got out ).
This fall was SOYKOY revised because I needed to reach out and share and support everyone ( missed this one ). The catch-22 is the more I care the more I get involved and the worse my condition gets – with anything. The worse my condition gets so goes my behavior and I lose my credibility.
I will leave this to those who do it well like CMHA Niagara and follow my doctor’s advice to stay quiet and not get too involved or I am going to say and do too much and end up feeling bad ( too late ).
In retrospect, having a new realization this year of how much of my life was shaped by me and my reactions rather than others and events, I missed the impact this would have and the impending roller coaster ride. I guess this was something I had to go through to move forward. So I will keep this a while as a reminder to me.

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One response to “My best day

  1. Well said Babe, knowing Yourself is key and not being afraid to keep trying and moving forward at any speed. Thanks for caring, sharing and all You do! xxoo

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